[ - My rather incomplete story of Chris... - ]
- Dedications -
This page I dedicate to a close friend...
Christopher Michael Cassidy
I met Chris at lunch (at school) near the beginning of my 10th grade year... I had sat alone since I didn't have any friends at 1st in that period. But, I ended up meeting & befriending who I'll refer to as Marilyn, in my gym class... She and her friends (Becka, and Chris) asked me to sit with them, because I "looked lonely". So... I did.
At the time, I was a very quiet and unsociable person. I had lost the best friends I had and was growing more into silence and depression. I became used to going days without speaking more than a single word. I'd grown so distant from everything around me that simple confrontations, speaking to people and just happening to meet eyes with others gave me a fearful, nervous feeling.
Social anxiety, but I wouldn't have defined it that way. I was afraid of other people when I was in school because there were so many other people around. And I wasn't close to any of them... It's not like I cared about what they thought of me or I cared about being embarrassed or nervous or insulted or hated or liked... . . .it was just the way I felt. I had no one to cling on to, no one to really help me or comfort me. No one that I wanted anyway.
And so I was scared. I was by then perfecting my computer skills and writing... I was alive in the computer, but not outside of it. I let it drain the life from me, and allowed myself to become less used to people, allowed humans to be something that felt uncomfortable... like they were only invading my space. I viewed most of them as stupid and incompetent... ^_~
Anyways, to tell you the complete and honest truth, I was attracted to Chris since the very first time I met him. It's not like it was just physical attraction, but... I really thought he was cool. I liked him.
I can still see the 1st times I saw him... I can see our area at lunch where we sat...
For most of the time then, I hardly spoke a word there. I felt bad about it, too. I don't know if anyone cared, but I really did feel bad that I never spoke. I think maybe they thought I didn't (or at least felt I didn't) fit in with them and was therefore uncomfortable. But that wasn't really true. I would have been just as quiet no matter who I was sitting with. I also worried they thought I didn't like them or something. But I loved them. They were.. . nice to me. So then it was another thing, I love them- but do I mean anything to them...?
No, I can't mean anything to them, I never talk... they don't know me...
Well, I didn't really start talking to Chris way until a New Years party we bot happened to be at... The beginning of the year 2000.
I didn't talk much then either... When I arrived he was going somewhere (a party store, or gas station, or something) with some other guys (Jon, TJ, and Jason) and recognized me as that I sat with him at lunch. I didn't notice it was him who said it at 1st, it was dark... heh. But... He had said it like he were glad to see me or something. Kinda shocked me. Well, minutes later he came back. . ..had ran back since some police had searched him 'n stuff, the others were making fun of him ^^
I remember Chris moshing to Korn. Alone. Hah. He pointed out to everyone how the floor got closer as he bent down, and further away when he got up... uh-huh.
Lessee... We watched The Labyrinth, for me it was the first time to really see it, and we all debated whether those....things....were orange or pink... ^_^;; I think they were both, it's the fault of the lighting.
My mom called around 1 or 2am requesting she give me a ride home. At the time, Chris was being over-amused by The Hampster Dance (the original)...it was really cute... but eh... anyway, when I said my mom was coming to pick me up... he asked me... to stay. . . .he told me not to go.
"I've hardly said a word all night, yet you want me to stay?"
Maybe I was overconscious of speech, I don't know. But him, and Michelle (who's house I was at) were like.. . ."Yeah..." Michelle had said something like because "we love you" and it really cheered me up.
Chris turned from the computer and notioned for a hug. I didn't get it at first...
"Huh??"
"Hug...?"
I hesitated, I hadn't hugged anyone for a long time, it wasn't natural for me. I never touched ANYONE. Not to sound weird, but I was not at all familiar with the touch of humans. Anyways- so I hugged him. And I remember him leaning his head next to mine and I could feel . . . the gel in his hair. (heeheeheehee)
I was little and weak then, in some ways that I'm not anymore. Those simple words and such had meant a lot to me, and I went to bed that night feeling really happy. (eck! this sounds stupid ...hehe)
Since then, I moved from sitting accross from, to next to Chris... I guess... from that point he started flirting with me.. . .. he'd put his arm around me and stuff . ..I dunno. I didn't really think of it as flirting at first, no one to my knowledge had ever flirted with me before and... since I liked him, it's not like he really liked me back :P
Next semseter comes and we no longer have lunch together... but! We have 3rd hour together. Mr. Regan. Integrated Math-1. (we both failed the year before and were retaking it). We sat like....kiddy-corner to eachother. (I dunno how else to describe it! That's actually how we sat in the beginning at lunch too....nevermind, you probably don't care!). He was the only friend I had in that class (like I have many friends anyways)... and I was glad because 2nd semester there are some things you have to do in groups. Before I'd always had to do them w/people I didn't really know or I'd skip them or something (hence part of failing). Now I could work with him! :) Yay, I'm a dork.
For a while, he'd come in every day...from behind me... and scare me. He found it pretty amusing because I was the only person who would actually jump when he did that.
... I remember the first note I ever wrote him. As I was still not accustomed to talking, it was easier for me to write. And so I told him some things about myself and such in a note to him. I recall handing it to him in a typical cute fashion of mine "Erm....don't ask, but, I wrote you! :) :)", thrusting the letter out with one arm.
He said that was cool, 'cuz no one wrote him anymore.
So, he wrote me back... over time we wrote eachother a lot... and I got used to talking anyways. But writing helped me to convey what I wasn't going to through vocalized words for a while. Because I was stupid like that. Eventually... I realized how easy it was to talk to him. I spent every day of that class talking to him. Which is unusual of me, to talk in school.
... Kay...so then . ..I won't go into the mundane detail of how we switched seats from time to time in that class... . . mostly my memories are of sitting in the back corner of the class, nearest the door... We'd go sit over there every day eventually... . . where his friend Patty (sp?) sat... . .I'd sit in the desk next to Chris, and he'd pull my desk over so that it was right next to his...
He had this thing with tickling... and he found it amusing how ticklish I was (well you know, I wasn't used to being touched!). He would really flirt with me a lot, but I didn't know how to respond to it at the time. I was used to being cold. I liked him, a lot, but it was weird to me.
I recall hearing . .Amy talk about Chris... . .
They started going out. So, then... I got to listen to Chris talk about Amy all the time. Damn. I felt bad, though I wanted Chris, I felt bad because Chris continued to flirt with me while they were going out. I mean, I let him. And then I'd hear from him and other people that Amy was really frightened that Chris was going to leave her for me. And like... Chris had this thing with braiding my hair, but then he'd tell me not to let Amy see.... .. . ~sigh~ I'd never paid attention to relationships before, I didn't really take anything seriously. I didn't know if I was really hurting anybody or anything.
No way though... He wouldn't leave her for me... I could never be with anyone, no matter how much I wanted. I would hate myself for it... That was my attitude back then.
I also recall hearing about Nicole... He said she was his best friend and that she was like the coolest person in the world, but also that Amy did not trust him with her.
And, then there's LeAnn... He told me about how LeAnn wanted him to break up with Amy because she wanted to go out with him... And like, that he was upset since everyone was trying to get them to break up. :/
I think it was April 20th, or around then, when me, Chris, and Michelle went over to our friend Anna's... Michelle says she remembers talking about how weird the lockdown was at school and stuff... 'cuz yeah, 4/20, there was an incident at our school (nothing big). I was stuck in my least favorite class for a few hours. 2nd hour, Literature/Composition 10. Normally the kind of class I'd like... but I didn't like it then (I failed this class, too). I remember gazing out the window, it was dark and rainy... a nice atmosphere, in my opinion.
Anyway, me and Chris walked to Michelle's... then got a ride to Anna's.
It's a little hard for me to remember everything that happened then. I don't know. But it's one of the very few times I hung out with Chris outside of school. Well... uhmm... Chris ended up having Michelle help him tickle me to death. And. .Uhh... we went up to this party store, walked, and bought some whipped cream and stuff ^_^ They were bugging me to buy something, to eat, 'cuz I'm thin. Chris lifted me up and then he proceeded to attempt embarrassing me saying things really loud, joking about me being pregnant and stuff but I'm not easily embarrassed ^^ Hm... yeah, we walked back. Some truck kept passing by with people yelling and for some odd reason they threw a Mountain Dew bottle at us. We stopped by this park at a church... played around for a bit, climbed on the roof, I habitually threw pebbles in the air... and we messed up some letters on the sign... went back to Anna's.
I think we watched a movie or something then, though I don't remember much of it...
Me, Michelle, and Chris all walked home together. But I had the shortest distance to walk. While we were walking, Chris had said something about there "only" being like 4 people he... liked, or whatever. And I guess that's a small amount for a guy. Seemed like a lot to me :P And uh... I think he said something about Amy... It's hard for me to put the conversation together again. Anyway, yeah, then I left.
There was this one day... Chris wanted to put my hair in a ponytail, but he didn't have anything to tie it with, so... he went about unlacing one of my shoes to use the lace for a ponytail holder ^_^;; it didn't last long... he took it out. He then proceeded to tie my wrists together (I let him, I was bored) ... eh yeah, some people in the class made remarks about that... nnn then there were other times he'd sit on the floor and tie my shoelaces to the bars of the desk (as though I wouldn't notice & then try to stand up) Anyway, when he relaced my shoe lace... he did it differently than the other one. So my left shoe... it's always going to be different than the right... heh.
Another day... I took the safety pin off of this bracelet I had... and casually stuck it into my left arm, then scraping along to make the sign of Saturn.
He yelled at me, and grabbed the thing from me (I was only doing it lightly...). ..I wanted it back. It was a nice touch to my bracelet. So I fought with him to get it back, but I ended up just stealing a saftey pin he had... it was either on his pants or his shirt, I can't remember :P And... now I have his saftey pin... and it holds on this silver chain to a black bracelet I almost always wear. Strange incident yeah... but it's the only belonging of his that I have, so though I don't go around saying it, a safety pin means a lot to me.
Well, later on... there's this thing with LeAnn... And Amy dumped Chris.
I had been told sometime in like February or March that Chris "used to" like me. (ah, so you don't like me NOW!?!?! or are you just saying that...?? was my thought...) When he confessed it to me himself, he said he'd had the hugest crush on me and I was just like "aww that's so cute!! hehehe..." He told me that Marilyn was the only other person he'd told ('sides Michelle...) and that she'd said I probably didn't like him... Well I didn't have the strength at that time to tell him that I DID like him... (sorry this is starting to get all sappy or something).
Oh well... this is out of order now I guess, but, a bit after him and Amy split up... I wrote to him telling him how I'd actually grown to really like him and such. . . ...
He acted kind of weird after that. He said he was extremely shocked. (I don't see how it would have been so unexpected?) But... he made a promise to me, since he needed to be alone for a while before getting involved with anyone again... because of the things & the pressures he was going through. He promised me that he would ask me out over the summer...
Summer comes; I called him a couple times... he told me he'd call back... he usually didn't... I felt like he was hiding something from me, yet I also don't think he was. It was just a feeling.
I remember one time he called me though... Telling me about how he was charged with grand theft auto or whatever, for taking his dad's car... or something. He told me his master plan to change his name to Chris Black and move to Detroit with some friends but then still go to school at Wayne next year to confuse everyone. Well, that never happened ^^ And to tell you the truth, I don't even know what DID happen with the incident.
Next time I saw him, that summer, he was dating LeAnn.
When I saw them together, he hardly looked at me. I don't think he even said a word to me. It was depressing. Like, he was afraid to see me there.
Where I had seen him was at this concert thing, at a park... "Goudy Park" or something. I don't know how it's spelled. I don't remember what day that was... it was either the day I went over to Justin's and T.J. and Jason were there... oh, no I didn't see Chris that time. That was the first time I went to that park and later on would find out that Aaron, my silent stalker, had seen me there... or maybe it was the next time he saw me. I don't know. But my first time there, I also ran into my friend Kristena. Pretty weird to me actually, since I don't get out much, to then end up seeing so many of my friends... Now then, it was the day I met Nicole that I would later see Chris and LeAnn together. ...I went with ...a friend... Jason... to Nicole's. (note: you heard these names earlier) The first time I met her. Afterwards we walked to Steve and Doug's house... Talked to them for a while. I knew Steve from school but he didn't recognize me, but this was the first time I had met Doug... "Jesus". I went with Jason (Satan) and Doug (Jesus) to Goudy (how I'm guessing it's spelled) and... and... Chris and LeAnn were there. At first, because of our ties to them (Jason used to go out w/LeAnn and I wanted Chris... it was an odd kind of thing since....) we stayed away from them. But I couldn't walk anymore. I'd developed asthma and I wanted to go talk to them anyways. So we did.
We sat down... I remember the brightness of the sun, as it slipped into a summer evening. Something felt wrong in the moment and I didn't like it. The band that was playing sucked beyond belief so that it wasn't even funny. But I wasn't really thinking about that. Nothing happened. Nicole had given me a bracelet like the one I'd gotten from Michelle....not a real bracelet, it was torn off the bottom of her jeans. Which sounds weird. But jeans make cute bracelets. Jason held up my wrists and showed Chris. That was the only time Chris looked in my direction. It was an odd time. Because he knew what he promised me... and at that time Jason wasn't too fond of Chris. But, it was pretty funny, Chris and Jason got up for a bit and square danced to the music n______n
Well, that day went away... I got home around 10pm, and my parent's weren't too happy since I'd walked alone for some of it.
I had, for the first time in my life, learned to want someone though. I wanted to be with someone, someone who could comfort me and... Scott asked me out. I agreed, and he became my first actual boyfriend. I'd been asked out a few times before by guys that I hardly knew, like Scott, but I'd always reject them immediately. This time, however, I was depressed & lonely...
In all reality, the initial decision was because I had felt comfortable and at ease with him, and it had been secondary to the fact that it seemed I could not have Chris...
Time passes... I grow closer to Scott... but then I get a call from Chris.
He asks me, basically, to dump Scott for him. We had the promise and all.
So I asked him, what about LeAnn?
He broke up with her.
"Well I didn't ask you to break up with LeAnn for me when I saw you guys together... and you want me to..."
"I'm sorry..."
He told me about why he broke up with LeAnn. He told me he was sick of what he was doing. He told me he wanted to be with me.
He acted real anxious about it all.. . . . and seemed really let down when I didn't exactly answer. I wanted to be with Chris, but my morals at the time were restricted by my fear of breaking up with somebody for somebody else. I didn't take my relationship with Scott very seriously. I knew nothing then. I was afraid to do what I wanted. And even so, I always knew that Chris would be there for me in the future........
Chris was one of the few people I've ever easily been able to talk on the phone with. I couldn't see him outside of school much (or well, chose not to, because I was stupid back then and thought that the distance between our houses was a big deal...), but we talked on the phone a lot. Well, more than I talked to anyone else on the phone anyways. I remember him playing his guitar for me ^_^ ... and ... I talked about suicide with him... I told him that he couldn't die without me.
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
He had me promise that I would stop cutting myself, and he wouldn't die without me. We were weird, deranged people. What can I say?
Meanwhile.. I come down with Lemierre's Syndrome. A potentially fatal and very rare disease. So then, I spend a few weeks unconscious in the hospital (ICU for most of it), go through immense pain, and almost die... but I live! :)
I started 11th grade a few weeks late because of that, and when I did come in I was still weak from it all and had a pic line in... giving me antibiotics.
I find that Chris is in my 3rd hour... My friend Justin was in 2nd hour with me, and going to my 3rd hour. .. We walk down the stairs... to see Chris. ... .That area in front of my 3rd hour political science class... A bunch of my friends... we all hung out there every day before 3rd hour started.
My 1st day of school in this year... . .My legs were still weak and it was painful to stand for long... but I am strong, so I could do it! :) I had the problem of books though... Because of my surgery (my internal jugular vein was removed...heheheh) I couldn't carry much, so I asked Chris to take my Poli. Sci book to my locker for me. He managed to be absent the next day so I didn't have my book because - he didn't put it in my locker like I asked him to!!
Hn... oh yeah, my first day. . .going to lunch. . .I went with Chris and.. . .he went to stand in line... for what? Gee I don't know!! I asked him at least 20 times what we were doing and why there was a line there. He laughed at me and asked if I was high... O_o Well, I really wasn't with it! He was standing in line to get homecoming tickets (wow, 1st day here and they're already buying homecoming tickets!? oh wait... maybe that is at the beginning of the year?? I couldn't remember). He asked me if I'd seen the ID's yet... 'cuz we now had bar codes on them (I hadn't seen them) and he was talking about scratching his bar code off... Well then anyway, he left me because he had Voc. Tech in the afternoon and therefore took a bus to the voc. tech place...
I never again saw him in lunch. I started sitting downstairs with some other people in the group I've grown to associate myself with.
We didn't talk much in the class we had together. There wasn't as much leeway as we had in math to just sit around and talk (oh by the way, we both failed math and had to take it FOR A 3RD TIME... . .. 'cuz we spent the whole hour the last year ...conversing). I think only twice did I move to go sit by him. He did the same thing as last year and pulled the desk I sat in close to him. . . ..he gave me some black nailpolish he had and told me to put in on in place of my glittery dark purple nailpolish... . .I did, and there are still slight remains of that nailpolish on me as I'm writing this... He had the Wet and Wild kind, which doesn't have a mixy ball thing in it, and I just happened to have a few of those that I took from old nailpolishes...lol, so I put one in his nailpolish so it'd mix better :P
I remember that day, as we were preparing to leave class, him saying that he loved me.. . And, it meant so much to me, because I know he meant it, as a friend, and I could always be comfortable with him.
Friday the 13th... October. I do not feel like explaining the full situation, but Scott had left my house at 10 something pm... I'd been going to go with him and our friends Anna and Stefanie. ...but my mom didn't allow me to. . ..
I wanted so badly to go out that night, I love the night, and it was a full moon and everything. Something in the air was just exciting. But I had to stay home. I considered it early to go to bed, but I did, because there was nothing left for me to do. I laid down and cried calmly about it like the little twerp that I am.
Half an hour or so later, car lights. . ..something pulls into our driveway. I figure it's some of my friends, so I hurriedly get dressed again...
I go to the door... and see Chris, Justin, & George. They say that they came over to my house 'cuz they heard that's where everyone went and blah blah, blah, yeah. No, Anna and Stef were going to Stef's and Scott had to leave my house. So I was alone. Both my parents were in the living room and so rather than inviting them in or anything, I went out onto the porch to talk to them. . . we hung out for a while. . . Chris tried to convince me to "sit in the car and listen to music" with them, but I knew they'd drive off or something, I didn't exactly want to get in trouble at the time so I didn't do it.
So then, I asked my parents anyways if I could go out with them to a movie or something (we'd really just go hang out somewhere, but it had been my original plan for the day, so...) it was past 11pm and my parents didn't buy it.
Mm. . ...Chris noted how I never really sat down and stayed there.. . .I would be like standing up and jumping around 'cuz I get hyper like that sometimes. And so I sat down next to him on a step going up to my porch... . we talked for a bit. .. (this won't be in order anymore) .. . .Justin burns something. . .umm. .. .They both pick me up and joke about how light I am 'n stuff. . . I make Chris aware that when my head is tilted back when he holds me that it hurts to pick it back up (cuz of the surgery) and it's hard to lift my head. He teased me about it a bit -_- plyfully (but stopped).
. . .I recall looking up at the full moon. . ..and looking over; me and Justin in the light of the moon and Chris in my porch light.. . .sitting on the step. . .
Chris & Justin played around a bit, fighting, resulting in Justin laying on the ground moaning in pain... hurhur.
Well, eventually .. . Chris gives me a hug, and they leave...
They depart and I go back to bed, wishing I could have gone with them... Actually, I don't care about how much trouble I would get in, I'd so rather have went with them.
At some point, there was a fire drill in 3rd hour. Chris had been trying to convince me that he drove, legally, and had a car. He asked our teacher if he could go to his car and get some book or something. Oddly enough she let him, and I went with him. Later I would find out that was actually George or someone's car, but anyway... We got to it, he asked me to get into the passenger seat... I sat down. He planned on smoking a cigarette. It's weird, it never seemed to me like he smoked, because I never saw him do it. And I only remember hearing things from him about stopping drugs and... I dunno. I hate smoking, it's gross. And I didn't plan on letting him smoke. But we were interupted anyways. And that sucked. I wanted to take that time to talk to him... the security guard came though and had us go back.
Let's see.. . .another day that I sit by Chris, I ask him to tie this necklace I was wearing which was Scott's that I had to knot and couldn't get.... That was probably the last time I wore this necklace, it snapped and broke later. It was damn cool though, black and shaped like barbed wire.
Ah. . ..3rd hour. . ..I think of him talking to our teacher, Ms. Pollard. . . They were discussing semi-deep topics. . .some political type things. . .
. . ..I recall him leaving early sometimes and getting passes from that class. . ..I kept thinking of moving over to sit by him at the end of class. .. but I didn't. And. ..then. . .he's absent . . ..
It was that monday that we got a letter in our 6th hour saying that someone in our school had meningococcal meningitis. We were notified since it's a contageous disease. Personally, I didn't think much of it and was disgusted at the people in my Spanish class (6th hour) whining about being afraid of getting meningitis. STUPID stupid people... I've lived through worse!! Right!? I was not afraid of getting it at all, I didn't believe they could be so selfish. Well of course I can believe it, I see it all the time. But I don't like it!
That must have been on Devil's Night (I don't believe everyone is familiar with that, it's the night before Halloween).
Chris is absent again. It is tuesday, Halloween. That night I go to Anna's and Justin and Scott are also there. . . It is there that I hear from Justin. . ..that Chris is the one with meningitis. I had thought. . .it was just someone. . ..Someone I didn't know. . .ya know...?
I try to go through the night without letting it get to me, but I worry about him. I was really shocked...when I heard it was Chris.. . .I had no idea. But Justin had told me it was Chris...that he was unconscious in the hospital.
The next day comes... Wednesday...
Of course, Chris is not in school. I feel nervous. But 2nd hour (English, or "Communication Skills" ::shiver:: failed that class, with straight E's) I hear from a friend that Chris is at U of M in Ann Arbor.... the hospital I had been in a month before. He was flown there from some other hospital. . .(Annapolis?)
It makes me feel better to know that he is in the care of those who were with me. It gave me strength to know where he was. That I was saved there, and what I had is even worse than spinal meningitis. I tell various people that I think he'll be okay. . . I was really, really positive of that.
I go home... I go online.. . I talk to Nicole.
She tells me that she heard Chris became stable. And that she wants to visit him.
It was also my first intention. I wanna go see him!! I had such a strong desire then...
We discussed various ways of getting a ride to and finding the hospital. But I tell her that I can ask my mom to take us, though we probably won't be able to go until tomorrow or so.
I sign offline for a while and go to my room.. .. I burn a candle that Anna gave me, and lay in bed for a while, thinking...
Around 6pm.. . .I sign online again.
Nicole is online.
I IM her.
She asks if I heard about Chris.
"What about him...?"
He died.
The words hit me so hard, like I could really feel it, physically along with mentally. I remember sliding my headphones off to be in silence. For surprisingly more than a second, my brain seems to think it's still possible that it is a lie, and that he is still alive.
But I know it inside, I knew it from that very second with those words, that he was really gone.
It wasn't true that he ever woke up. He went unconscious monday night, and never woke up.
He was taken off life support at 4 something pm on wednesday, November 1st. Killing him. The reason being the swelling of his brain stem.
I don't like the thought of it though, it sounds to me like he could have lived...! But, what do I know...? It's just a feeling you get.
...I couldn't stop crying. No one very close to me had ever died before. You don't think things like that will happen to you, but they do.
My mother came into the room and I told her that he died...
She'd never even really met him, seen him maybe twice but she didn't know him. . . she also burst into tears. She stayed in the room with me, but I wanted for her to go away. I didn't want her comfort and I still don't. I wanted to stay alone, cry alone. I didn't want her there. I hated it.
...
The next day of school, thursday... My friends, also being friends of Chris, are pretty much all absent. I went because I didn't want to stay alone at home or anything. . ..I needed to go that day. But I hardly stopped crying for a second. In my 1st hour, chemistry, we had to do some experiment.. . for which I had to wear those stupid goggles. I was not happy about that, I wanted to hide behind my hair and cry. . . I don't even remember what experiment we did, I have no idea, it all blends together, my eyes see only tears and I hear rude remarks about Chris from some people in that class... well, one person.
2nd hour . ...we watched a movie, I tried to allow it to calm me...
After 2nd hour, I wait where we'd always wait for eachother and hang out. . .I waited there, alone. I could have just gone into my class, but I had to wait there. And so I stood there. Alone.
3rd hour.. . the class I had with Chris. Some counselors and social workers come into the class. We arrange the desks into a circle and talk about what happened. I curled up into my seat . ..trying to hide how hard I was crying, but it was impossible. . .
I was asked to go with this counselor (who I recognized as the person I had to go talk to when I was sent down the year before for cutting myself...::shiver::) and some other people to go. . .you know, whatever, do some counseling thing, but, I told her I'd feel better if I stayed in the class.
Lunch. . . .I sat downstairs. . .Jon. . .I won't say anything about you. . .well . .. I can't help crying there either. That day, I go with my friends Jody and Steve to wait for the voc. tech bus. .. Me and Jody aren't in voc. tech but we just go to kind of hang our or whatever.
It's cold. . .but I wait out there. . .. I see Michelle and Laura. I wish that I could run over to them and talk to them, but I couldn't. Because Michelle hated me then. (but she doesn't hate me anymore... ::faint smile::)
4th hour. . .I think we had a test. I don't know how much I concentrated on it, I recall that I kept getting teardrops on the paper. . .I think I got a B on that test. . .. Anyway, I don't have any friends in that class. It's psychology. . .I just sit there all hour and stare occasionally out the window...
5th hour... math. I am of the oldest people in that class (obviously...) LeAnn is in that class, but she is absent. I cry some more. . .don't do my work. . .this girl asked me if I was okay and she gave me some kleenex. . .
6th hour. . .Spanish 2. I don't remember anything that happened really.
...
The next Saturday. . .I go to Chris' viewing. I always thought I wouldn't want people to see me when I'm dead and I'd hate that, but I really had to see him one last time.
I go there with Anna...
By then, I was good at holding back my tears. Not that I needed to, but I wanted to hold myself together a little better.
The sight of Chris' body made me shiver. . .but was also in a strange way, comforting. It was the proof, however, that he WAS dead. . .. Unless it was a fake!!.....but I knew that no matter how much I wished it, that was not true.
There's this bracelet that my grandma gave me. . .the beads are silver, made of hematite or something of that matter. . . it's supposed to stand for "inner peace".
...
After building up the strength to do so, I softly kissed the bracelet, and "gave" it to Chris. I had been going to give it to him when I visited him in the hospital. But that chance never came... but, I gave it to him. ..As Nicole said,
"...so it will be with him forever..."
...His funeral was the following monday, I did not go. I went to school and was again alone, as all my friends were at the funeral.
I feel bad about not going, but, it's okay...right?
Still, there are things between us we left unsaid. Or, not strong enough... That we knew the other knew but never fully clarified. . . I realize now how he broke up with LeAnn to be with me. I feel bad, and weird. But then he started going out with someone else who I don't really know so I'm not really mentioning...
I hardly ever saw him outside of school. . .and this year I didn't talk to him as much. . . I wish I had. . .I wish we could have been closer in the end. But because of certain circumstances, we both grew apart a bit.
It hurts... I want him to know how much he means to me. But all I can really do is tell myself that my past with him cannot be changed. That there is nothing I can do to change the fact that he's gone now. And that once someone is dead, it doesn't really matter what they knew or did not know anymore... That's the way I see it anyways. But I miss him. I should not regret because, I am glad that I even had the chance to know him. . ..And still I would feel so much more content if I had said some things to him I never really got to. I never really took the chance to. He's someone I never got sick of, never didn't want to be with. . ..I looked forward to seeing him, always. Chris really is someone who helped give me strength, who made some things seem possible for me that weren't before. . . he encouraged me to live.
And I will love him, forever. . .
- --Rest in Peace-- -
9/28/84 - 11/1/00